The Powerbear Press

A peek into a perhaps non-typical California mind

Mother’s Day

This is my first Mother’s Day without my mother. A few years ago she had a stroke & for a while (including Mother’s Day I think) she didn’t know who I was, but she was still there. It’s not like the first Father’s Day after my father died – we were still helping mom get through the loss and since he was in a coma the previous Father’s Day, it was almost as if I was done processing it by that June.

It’s not that I’m doing anything different this year. I usually tune out the ads for last minute gifts this time of year, having made my decisions & purchases a few weeks earlier. I am still aware that we can’t go out to a restaurant today because everything will be jammed with families taking their mothers out.

But the last few days I’ve been wondering what I should/can/must change now that both parents are gone. Or to put it another way, what have I done or not done because they were around that would have been different if they weren’t? I certainly don’t run everything through that filter – they were opposed to all kinds of things that I did, from moving to DC to growing a beard. The pierced ears and tattoos were a source of irritation for years. They didn’t know about the other piercings.

I was raised in a culture that was a combination of MidWest/German frugality and Southern social order. Appearances counted, but ostentatiousness was frowned upon. We were never without the basics, and often had luxuries, but they tended to be small – we would go on vacation to Texas or Ohio or DC while my friends would go to Colorado or Europe. Any hardships just weren’t discussed especially outside the family. I know there was some drama during my siblings’ teen years, but I never got details.

I really didn’t expect to be feeling all this at this point. It’s probably a good thing that I’m going to Austin for a week. Some quiet meditation time is in order.

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